The beautiful and valuable chocker

I frequently have a problem expresses how I feel in words that come out of my mouth. When I speak I don't often think first which I am aware is a very dangerous problem. Words can be so harmful when spoken and so beautiful when written in my case. 

Some mornings as a mother are hard. Days like today. Lila Mae initially woke up at 5:30 after otherwise sleeping through the night for the first time in literally a year. Wonderful right? Yes! But she woke up whining and continued to whine for 2 hours. And then comes Lockland who repeatedly asked me to play on the computer while I repeatedly told him we needed to have breakfast first. It was just one of those mornings that ate at my nerves. Sometimes I am embarrassed that I feel annoyed as a mother. After all so many women would love to be in my shoes and have prayed to be in my shoes with two beautiful, wonderful, healthy children. But then I am reminded that it's okay to feel defeated by motherhood every now and then. IT IS A HARD JOB. 

Whether you are a stay at home mother or a working mother I am sure some of you often feel the same way I do--like you are wearing a chocker. It's a beautiful, valuable chocker that you love dearly and you would never want to lose or replace. It means more to you than words can describe but sometimes you need to take it off and breathe. Sometimes the chocker is too tight, literally chocking the life out of you. The chocker is so beautiful you don't want to take it off. You don't want to take it for granted. But you need to. Sometimes your chocker gets so tight you feel like it's sucking the life out of you and you forget who you are. The chocker is so tight it's hard to see it's beauty. 

You are now thinking "Whoa wait did this crazy woman just compare motherhood to a chocker?" Yes, yes I did. Partially because the nineties kid in me is coming out but also because I think it's a beautiful analogy. Sometimes as mother I feel like by admitting I need some me time, some alone time that I am being ungrateful for my beautiful gift--for motherhood. But momma's, that alone time is so important in fulling loving the beautiful gift of motherhood. It's okay to take off our chocker every now and then and just be a woman. Enjoy a quiet morning in a coffee shop reading a book, painting, sewing, crafting--whatever it is you love. It's important to remember yourself. If we as women aren't doing the little things that make us feel like us, our children will suffer and our days of feeling like our chocker is on too tight will be more. I promise. Our days go much smoother when I remember me before I start taking care of my little blessings. 

This upcoming week, momma's, I challenge you to try something. If possible, get up before you little ones usually do. Even if it's only 15 minutes to pee and make some coffee before your momma day begins. Last week I started waking up about 30-60 minutes before Lockland and Lila Mae and each morning I start off in a much better mood. I have time to go to the bathroom with no audience, read my devotional, pray, and usually even write in my personal journal. When my babies rise I feel ready to begin the day because I had a little bit of me time. Also I challenge you to read The Fringe Hours by Jessica N. Turner (which you can purchase here). It is fantastic. If getting up early isn't for you, try spending time on you during your lunch break, while your little ones nap, or even in the car rider line.    Let's spend less days with our chockers on too tight and embracing and enjoying their beauty.

the disease of comparision.

We have all heard about it and honestly most if not all of us have had it--the disease of comparison. When you sit down and compare yourself to other women, mothers, Christians, business owners, bloggers, etc, you have probably found yourself with this dangerous disease. I know I have the disease and I'm working on my cure for it right now! I am tired of feeling like I have to live up to someone else's standards or be like someone else to be deemed successful or even feel successful. Don't get me wrong, comparison isn't always a a bad thing but often I find myself doing far too much comparison. Every individual has a different walk. We are all in a different season. No one two people's lives are exactly the same.

I have loved ones who struggle with comparing their bodies to other's bodies. It breaks my heart because everyone is beautiful and no one was made the same! And guess what GOD MADE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE and LOVES you that way. I love what Lockland had to say about this. Last week we were able to visit Northwest Arkansas and see my family. My sister asked him why he didn't have a mustache. He gets asked this a lot because once he said when he grew up he was going to have a mustache. This time though his answer was my favorite. He said, with an attitude I might add, "Because Jesus didn't make me that way." If only we could all except that maybe we aren't a certain way because Jesus didn't make us that way! 

I myself struggle most with comparing my life with other people the same age as I am. Sure to some extent it is nice because it pushes me to try new things but I get stuck on the "they are the same age as me and just bought a house" or the "they are the same age as me and have a master's degree"... I have a hard time excepting that I'm in a totally different season of life and find myself comparing my life to their's when they really share no similarities aside from age! 

I've decided that in July I will work hard to compare less. To accept the stage of life that I'm in and EMBRACE it. My success cannot and SHOULD NOT be measured by the standards of this world. 

Do you have the disease of comparison? What do you struggle with comparing? 

{less deep posts to follow, ha. Just like me this blog will be a little bit of everything once I finally get it all together.}

enough.

I can't remember a time when I didn't dream of being a mother. I always envisioned myself of a mother--playing with my sweet Lee Middleton doll who happened to be named Natalie Jordan, shoving pillows, blankets, balls you name it up my shirt to be pregnant. I couldn't wait for the day when I would finally be a mother, a wife, have my own family. I wanted to grow up and spend each day with my children telling them stories of Jesus, doing cute crafts, cuddling, playing, and just enjoying life!

I realize now those dreams and playtimes were part of my calling. I was called by our Heavenly Father to be a mother long, long ago. His plan for me was to be a mother, AND He equipped me to be just that!

But often I find myself thinking that it's not enough. It is not enough to just be a mother. I need to have a "fall back". I need to have a college degree because in this and age I'm worthless without one. Then I remember that God CALLED me to be a mother. I am not saying God can't call you to be another with a college degree who works. Nor am I saying He can't call you to be a woman with a college degree who doesn't work. Or even that He can't call you to be a working mother with no college degree. You get what I'm saying. But I'm also saying that He CAN call you be a mother with no degree and no "job"--let's face it raising kids is a job just not exactly a paying one. The important thing that each of us need to do--regardless of whether we are a mother or not--is make sure we are in God's plan for our life and fully embrace it. He knows the plans He has for me and you. And they are good plans, beautiful plans, better than we could dream of plans.

I am honestly ashamed of my feelings of not being enough, not having enough worth so to speak simply because I lack a college degree or success in the business world. I KNOW I am in God's plan for my life, right here and right now. How shameful is it that we live in a society that seems to measure worth by college degrees or job titles. My worth is in Christ. For Him I was worth dying on the cross. I was worth literally laying down His life and were you. My worth, your worth is not meausurable. 

This is me being transparent, being honest.  One day God may call me into a full time away from home job or back to college, and IF he does then I will go. But if He doesn't, if His plan for me entrails of being a mother with no degree and no business career, then I will embrace it. His plan is different for each and every on of us. The important thing for me to do--and you too!!-is to remember to stop, listen, and obey His plans. I need to remember His plan is not always going to be what I think  it should be, what I want it should be. But His plan is the best plan, the most beautiful plan imaginable.

Friends, be still and listen to the Father. Listen to His plans for you and follow Him. Do not measure your worth with this world's standards because we are not of this world.

I AM ENOUGH. 

 (this is what motherhood looks like on me at 10:00 p.m. on a Sunday evening)

Let's excuse all my lovely grammatical errors and see the beautiful message instead. 

disconnect.

Long time, no blog. I wish I could say I haven't been blogging because I've been too busy but the truth is, while I have been busy, the real reason I haven't been blogging is because I spend FAR too much time on social media. I have been reading a book, Make it Happen, and my eyes have been opened. I have always known that I spend too much time on social media and have fasted it before. But this time I want it to be different. I want to be intentional with my social media. I want to use it as a tool to further His kingdom and well as my new business (more about this coming soon! eek) and simply just keep family and friends updated on my sweet little family. I need to learn to stop comparing my life to everyone else and learn contentment. All of this to say I am taking a sixteen day social media fast. This will be my longest social media fast to date. I will even delete the apps from my phone. I want to embrace motherhood, marriage, and my relationship with Christ more deeply and I know a step toward doing this for me personally would be to avoid social media. When I come back, you will finally get to learn about the business I have been working on for nearly six months now, find out what all i accomplished through fasting social media, and what I learned from my fast too.

Is there something from your life you need to disconnect from? What is it?

march goals.

It's the ninth day of March and I'm just now really thinking about my goals. BUT in my defense, I was without a computer for the first seven days. The kids and I were visiting my family in Northwest Arkansas while Lockland was recovering from his surgery.
 

one// NO SODA. --I will say I have drank one soda so far this month. A ginger ale because my belly was not so happy. But my plan from here on out is NO SODA. I can do this. 

two//finish the brainstorming process of my special project and get it really started. I CANNOT wait to share more about this special project God laid on my heart when the time is right. 

three//file our taxes. Yes, this is a must do. Hopefully tonight. 

Really, this month I will keep it pretty simple. I will also continue on my transparency posts over on instagram. My plans are to write several transparency posts on here as well. 

What are some of your goals for the month of March? 

let's be honest.

Let's just be honest with each other today.  I am a person who likes to hide all the things I "fail at", but today let's be honest.

1--My kids watch entirely too much television.
2--I have terrible time management when it comes to my personal life.
3--Sometimes, I am lazy.
4--I set my expectation level for myself WAY too high.
5--I still drink soda. I try to quit every month but always find the goodness drawing me back in.

There, I said it. I said things that I don't like to say. I feel with how much time so many of us spend on social media, pinterest, blogs....we forget the real things in life. You see I don't post photos to Instagram of my mountain of dirty laundry in the back, or of my daughter with playdough ring around her mouth from eating her sensory activity. I also don't post pictures of my kids watching television very often. Instead I post my nicely clean home with nicely clean children doing fun sensory activities or projects. We selectively weed out all the things we don't want other people to see, to judge us by. We pick and choose what we want people to judge us by. And I can't help but think that if I do that then so do other people. The same people I set my standard level to be like. The same people you probably set your standard levels to as well.

Today I made the decision that in March I will be transparent. I will post pictures of my real life and my real mess alongside all the real fun things and we often do to instagram. I will show the real me and my real life not just the things that make myself look good.

Friend, will you join me in a transparency challenge for the month of March? 

tonsils and adenoids.

they are terrible and awful and mean to my little boy.

Thursday we travelled down to Little Rock, the "big city" as Lockland refers to it, so that Lockland could have his tonsils and adenoids taken out. I hadn't worried too much about the surgery because I know it's a very routine surgery and honestly, I held it together very well until I saw him in recovery. My sweet little boy was flat out miserable. Once they finally got him comfortable we got to head back to a post-op room. He seemed to be doing great. He drank some juice and ate a popsicle. And then he realized something was different. Being that he is a sensory kid I knew the whole process would be a little rough but I hadn't thought about the fact that the scabs would drive him INSANE. Lockland was trying his hardest to throw up the scabs. We finally got him calmed down and now he is doing wonderfully for just having hard surgery.

I wanted to be able to be all momma proud of myself and feed him fairly nutritional things post surgery but y'all--

chocolate ice cream for the win.

But I can tell you one big absolute "no, no" that I truly wish the nurse would have forewarned us of {if you are a nurse kindly advise your parents of this knowledge} NEVER, EVER give a child anything red to eat after a surgery because when they throw it up after your hour and a half drive back home you will think they are throwing up blood and rush back to the local emergency room. Just a word for the wise. NO RED. Don't do it.

Even if it is a delicious red ICEE...

Also, yes once again it is blurry iPhone photos for the win.

my favorite.

Late nights. Early mornings. Little alone time. None of that matters. 

YOU, both of YOU, are my favorite job. 

{pictures courtesy of my trusty iPhone. I will break out my Nikon one of these days}

Lord, thank you for my beautiful children and the gift of motherhood. I feel truly blessed each and every day and sometimes cannot believe this is my life and that you have blessed me so immensely when I often fail at doing what You ask of me. Help me to be a positive influence to them and teach them to walk in your ways and be little lights in this world. In your name, amen. 

february goals

Writing out goals is always a happy thing for me. I love making goals for myself. 

{one} SURVIVE. Yep, you read that write--survive. Keith recently went back to school and this month is crazy busy. Yes, my husband has a full time job, is a youth pastor, and a full time student. Have I ever said my life is chaos?! I'm slowly learning to adjust to having more responsibilities for the time being while my husband follows God's plan for him. 

{two} send valentine's cards to some of our loved ones. Because why not? I didn't get around to Christmas cards this past year so why not send out Valentine's cards?!

{three} continue to work on my calling. God has recently laid out a plan for what He wants me to do so I'm going to work hard on it this month. More details to come about this. EEK. I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT IT THOUGH. 

What are some of your goals for this month?

glass half empty.

I am a glass half full kind of person. I prefer to see the positives in things instead of the negatives. Life is short so why dwell on the negatives right? Last night was a glass half empty kind of night. Ever since we moved I have really struggled with Lila Mae. Struggled for a consistent bedtime, struggled to get her to stay asleep, just struggled with all things sleep related. I know she has had a LOT of change since we moved here and that is always hard on little ones, but I've began to grow weary. 

What am I doing wrong? Why will she not go to bed? I've done all her pediatrician recommended. Melatonin-check. Epsom salt bath-check. Consistent bedtime (except for when at church)-check. Bedtime routine-check. What's left to try momma? What can change to make her sleep better? 

All these questions run through my head nearly every night as I sit up awake with Lila Mae for 3, 4, and yes sometimes 5 hours. Last night was a struggle to get her to bed. She finally went down at 10 p.m.  and then she woke up at 1:50 and stayed awake until nearly 6:30. Yes, six thirty. When I finally got to go back to bed, I just cried. I have reached a point that I honestly feel I have failed her. I know it's crucial she get good sleep so she can develop and thrive properly. This little momma heart shatters into a million pieces because she's not getting that sleep. And then I don't get sleep so my attitude, my temper, are on a shorter lease. I've prayed, prayed, prayed. Lord please help me figure out how to comfort her, how to teach her to be comforted. Lord, I don't know what to do. 

I don't write this all to make you feel sorry for me. Really, I don't. I have become accustomed to not sleeping well. Rather I write this is say momma you are not alone. Every momma has her struggles, her worries, and anxieties over her babies. After all, 

motherhood did not come with a manual. 

Oh but how I wish it did. I truly believe times like last night, and the other nights where this frequently happens, are a small reminder for me that I don't have control, that I need to cast my burdens, my sorrows on Him. He will provide, He will take care of me and my Lila Mae. I need to learn to listen to that still small voice and trust that He's going to take care of me in my situation. I need to listen to His instructions on how to help my little girl. I need to pray for guidance because I truly do not know what to do!

I think all too often as momma's we just get overwhelmed and we feel helpless. How blessed are we that our Helper is the ultimate Helper? Let's not forget that this weekend and as we go about our weeks. In those moments we feel broken, helpless, tired, and worn let's just say His name--Jesus. There is power in the name of Jesus. And let's pray. Pray for our own situations and pray for other momma's too. We all have our own trials. 

"casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

1 Peter 5:7

the rainbow in the whining.

Today has been a pretty hard momma day. Both Lockland and Lila Mae have been sick this week so we have spent very little town out of the house even after they were no longer contagious simply because I don't want them to pick up other germs before they are fully healthy again. Helicopter mom much? The kids are ready to be out and about playing, in school, at just doing their normal things so today they have become pretty whiny. Their toys no longer entertain them, TV is old news, momma is old news, you get the picture. I was feeling very bleh about the whole day and was just ready for bedtime to roll around and then I read a story about someone I have met since I moved to Batesville and my whole day changed. Can I just say I AM BLESSED IMMENSELY AND SO UNDESERVING OF MY BLESSINGS? 

Lord, thank you for my immense blessings. I know I have done nothing to deserve such a beautiful life and a beautiful story thus far so I thank you. Thank you for my husband, our children, our health--you always provide for us Father. Often times it's hard for me to see this as you don't always provide in the way that I want, but thank you for providing. And thank you for teaching me that I must decrease so that You may increase. Greater are You than he that is in this world. I am humbled by your blessings Lord. Thank you. In Your lovely name I pray, amen.

a Lockland update.

{some of this is repetition, but a lot is new. If you aren't familiar with Lockland's story you can look back at this post or this post}

Let me just tell you...moving to Batesville has done wonders for Lockland. As I have briefly mentioned before...since we moved here Lockland started school at STARS Academy. They focus on children with different special needs or simply just kids in need of therapy. All of his therapy is available at the school during the day. Most of his day, however, is spent in your typical preschool classroom complete with food, fun, circle time, and of course nap time. His speech is a whole new world as well as his social skills thanks to STARS. He even tested out of speech therapy! 

It brought much joy to my heart this Christmas season to hear him singing all the cute kid Christmas songs as well as saying his signature line "Happy, Merry Christmas!". And this year Lockland even participated in opening each and every one of his presents without being overwhelmed by the amount of people around him. Proud momma.

We still have our day-to-day sensory processing kid struggles but they are much better now that Lockland can finally communicate efficiently with us. And with that communication finally came the potty training! WOOT WOOT. Food is still a challenge as he is extremely picky and often times he rejects many foods. But honestly that isn't much different than your typical four year old anyway. His stimming is still probably our biggest obstacle. We have yet to find a calming technique that is effective for him. His new pediatrician is going to recommend him to try a weighted vest and blanket at school to see if they would help him out! 

He has become the BEST big brother a little girl could ever ask for. He's very protective of his sister, loves to play with her, and also loves to help her out. They actually play pretty awesome together too. 

One cute story to finish out his brief update....

Lila Mae- "No way"

Lockland-yes way!

Lila Mae "No way!"

Lockland "Jose!"

2015 bucket list.

2015 needs a bucket list for me. A list of things I will do, of things I will accomplish because why not?

one// family photographs. real professional (looking at least) photographs because we have none.

zero. zelch. & it breaks my heart a little more every day. 

two// master bedroom. Keith and I have never had a nice looking master bedroom, and I would love to create a beautiful space for just us because our marriage is important and we could sure use a little personal space that's just right. 

three// goodbye debt. I want to really buckle down on our budget so we can say goodbye to at least two debts this year. 

four// read the Bible together as a family. Christ should be the center of all of our home but I feel like often times He is not. I don't want to feel that way this year. 

five// take a vacation as a family. Maybe just a small day trip but something just the four of us.

six// become an oily family. I want to start using more essential oils. I love all the testimonies I hear and would love to see what they could do for my family.

seven// create traditions. currently we have ZERO traditions and that bothers this momma who wants to have some fun traditions my kiddos will remember.

I could go on but I don't want to be realistic and honestly (sadly), seven bucket list things are probably as good as it will get for us. 

What is one thing you hope to accomplish in 2015? 

organization.

At the beginning of every year I like to try and start off with a clean, organized home. This year I was semi-successful in doing so. My wonderful grandma-in-law (is that such a thing?) gave me the cutest basket for Christmas this year. I absolutely love it, but the color didn't match my color scheme even though it was absolutely beautiful. Nothing a little spray paint can't fix. 

Adorable basket right? The rectangle in the back is home to a small chalkboard you will see in a minute. I decided to spray it a great neutral--gold. I'm totally loving gold right now. 

And let me tell you. I LOVE the basket in gold. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

I still hadn't completely decided what to do with the basket but once I got it painted I knew exactly what I wanted to use it for. It's basically my "to-go" desk. Since we are living with my in-laws currently, space is tight. Having all of my office things in one small basket would be great and very practical. The basket is now home to my beautiful Whitney English planner, pens, highlighters, sharpies, and my little filing system to keep me organized in between running all my bills and paperwork to the church where the filing cabinet currently is. 

Forgive my totally subpar photography skills. Hoping those will improve in 2015. ;) Also, can I just say I love washi tape? 

basket--Homegoods

planner -- Whitney English

one little word.

I love that instead of resolutions many people now choose one little word to focus on in a years time. This year I couldn't help but jump on the bandwagon. Many words came to my mind but one word spoke louder than others--

This year I want to embrace life, embrace the season we are in, embrace the changes that have happened and will happen, embrace motherhood, embrace being a wife, embrace. Plain and simple. I could easily sit and complain, just as I'm sure you could, but instead I will embrace my life to the fullest. I will throw out the bad, learn from it, and embrace the good. This year though I also want to be mindful of what God wants for me, what God is calling me to do in my life, my marriage, our ministry. Many times I focus on what I want when really I should focus on what HE wants for me. I will embrace what His plans are for me. 

Did you choose one little word (#olw) for this year? It's not to late if you haven't. I would love to hear what everyone else chose!