Today is one of those days it really has caught up on me. I feel worn, tired, exhausted, and quite frankly not human.
I struggle to write words to try and explain everything. I struggle because I partially feel like it's my own fault she doesn't sleep through the night. What could I, should I have done differently? Should I have done the "Cry it out" method that breaks my heart into a million pieces? Should I wean her so she doesn't want me/need me in the middle of the night? Should I have put her on a strict schedule during the day?
But then a peace comes over me.
My daughter is happy. She loves to laugh. She is thriving. She loves me. She loves to snuggle me when I nurse her. She loves to hold me when she's sad and when she's happy too. She is WORTH it. She is worth all of it.
There is no guarantee that anything I could try or do would change the fact that she doesn't sleep as well as her brother. So tonight (as Lila Mae is actually asleep before her usual bedtime because daddy put her to bed) I will have the peace, comfort, and joy in knowing that my daughter is happy. My daughter won't always be little. She won't always want me in the middle of the night. She wont always want to snuggle. And ten years from now I bet I will look back and cherish this time I had with her. After all, they are only little for a short time.
Lord,
Thank you for the gift of motherhood. Not every woman is so lucky to have not one, but two beautiful children. I know I all to often complain of being sleepless but Father, I just THANK YOU for the gift that makes me sleepless. Thank you Father for the little girl who hates sleep because the little girl who hates sleep is a gift that can come only from You. I pray I stop and think of her a gift when I'm stressed, tired, and exhausted. I also pray Father that I do not let my exhaustion affect my actions and my speech Father. Let me speak with grace and love even when I feel like a ticking time bomb. I ask forgiveness for the times today that I spoke hatefully and let my exhaustion speak louder than my love Father. Help me to learn the power of my tongue and when I should bite it. Help me to season my words with grace Father. Thank you once more for the gift of motherhood, for my sleepless nights.
In Your name, Amen
Sorry for the poor quality images. Straight up iPhone photos. One day my computer will have room to upload pictures. One day when my external hard drive becomes my friend and not my enemy.
