The beautiful and valuable chocker

I frequently have a problem expresses how I feel in words that come out of my mouth. When I speak I don't often think first which I am aware is a very dangerous problem. Words can be so harmful when spoken and so beautiful when written in my case. 

Some mornings as a mother are hard. Days like today. Lila Mae initially woke up at 5:30 after otherwise sleeping through the night for the first time in literally a year. Wonderful right? Yes! But she woke up whining and continued to whine for 2 hours. And then comes Lockland who repeatedly asked me to play on the computer while I repeatedly told him we needed to have breakfast first. It was just one of those mornings that ate at my nerves. Sometimes I am embarrassed that I feel annoyed as a mother. After all so many women would love to be in my shoes and have prayed to be in my shoes with two beautiful, wonderful, healthy children. But then I am reminded that it's okay to feel defeated by motherhood every now and then. IT IS A HARD JOB. 

Whether you are a stay at home mother or a working mother I am sure some of you often feel the same way I do--like you are wearing a chocker. It's a beautiful, valuable chocker that you love dearly and you would never want to lose or replace. It means more to you than words can describe but sometimes you need to take it off and breathe. Sometimes the chocker is too tight, literally chocking the life out of you. The chocker is so beautiful you don't want to take it off. You don't want to take it for granted. But you need to. Sometimes your chocker gets so tight you feel like it's sucking the life out of you and you forget who you are. The chocker is so tight it's hard to see it's beauty. 

You are now thinking "Whoa wait did this crazy woman just compare motherhood to a chocker?" Yes, yes I did. Partially because the nineties kid in me is coming out but also because I think it's a beautiful analogy. Sometimes as mother I feel like by admitting I need some me time, some alone time that I am being ungrateful for my beautiful gift--for motherhood. But momma's, that alone time is so important in fulling loving the beautiful gift of motherhood. It's okay to take off our chocker every now and then and just be a woman. Enjoy a quiet morning in a coffee shop reading a book, painting, sewing, crafting--whatever it is you love. It's important to remember yourself. If we as women aren't doing the little things that make us feel like us, our children will suffer and our days of feeling like our chocker is on too tight will be more. I promise. Our days go much smoother when I remember me before I start taking care of my little blessings. 

This upcoming week, momma's, I challenge you to try something. If possible, get up before you little ones usually do. Even if it's only 15 minutes to pee and make some coffee before your momma day begins. Last week I started waking up about 30-60 minutes before Lockland and Lila Mae and each morning I start off in a much better mood. I have time to go to the bathroom with no audience, read my devotional, pray, and usually even write in my personal journal. When my babies rise I feel ready to begin the day because I had a little bit of me time. Also I challenge you to read The Fringe Hours by Jessica N. Turner (which you can purchase here). It is fantastic. If getting up early isn't for you, try spending time on you during your lunch break, while your little ones nap, or even in the car rider line.    Let's spend less days with our chockers on too tight and embracing and enjoying their beauty.

enough.

I can't remember a time when I didn't dream of being a mother. I always envisioned myself of a mother--playing with my sweet Lee Middleton doll who happened to be named Natalie Jordan, shoving pillows, blankets, balls you name it up my shirt to be pregnant. I couldn't wait for the day when I would finally be a mother, a wife, have my own family. I wanted to grow up and spend each day with my children telling them stories of Jesus, doing cute crafts, cuddling, playing, and just enjoying life!

I realize now those dreams and playtimes were part of my calling. I was called by our Heavenly Father to be a mother long, long ago. His plan for me was to be a mother, AND He equipped me to be just that!

But often I find myself thinking that it's not enough. It is not enough to just be a mother. I need to have a "fall back". I need to have a college degree because in this and age I'm worthless without one. Then I remember that God CALLED me to be a mother. I am not saying God can't call you to be another with a college degree who works. Nor am I saying He can't call you to be a woman with a college degree who doesn't work. Or even that He can't call you to be a working mother with no college degree. You get what I'm saying. But I'm also saying that He CAN call you be a mother with no degree and no "job"--let's face it raising kids is a job just not exactly a paying one. The important thing that each of us need to do--regardless of whether we are a mother or not--is make sure we are in God's plan for our life and fully embrace it. He knows the plans He has for me and you. And they are good plans, beautiful plans, better than we could dream of plans.

I am honestly ashamed of my feelings of not being enough, not having enough worth so to speak simply because I lack a college degree or success in the business world. I KNOW I am in God's plan for my life, right here and right now. How shameful is it that we live in a society that seems to measure worth by college degrees or job titles. My worth is in Christ. For Him I was worth dying on the cross. I was worth literally laying down His life and were you. My worth, your worth is not meausurable. 

This is me being transparent, being honest.  One day God may call me into a full time away from home job or back to college, and IF he does then I will go. But if He doesn't, if His plan for me entrails of being a mother with no degree and no business career, then I will embrace it. His plan is different for each and every on of us. The important thing for me to do--and you too!!-is to remember to stop, listen, and obey His plans. I need to remember His plan is not always going to be what I think  it should be, what I want it should be. But His plan is the best plan, the most beautiful plan imaginable.

Friends, be still and listen to the Father. Listen to His plans for you and follow Him. Do not measure your worth with this world's standards because we are not of this world.

I AM ENOUGH. 

 (this is what motherhood looks like on me at 10:00 p.m. on a Sunday evening)

Let's excuse all my lovely grammatical errors and see the beautiful message instead. 

tonsils and adenoids.

they are terrible and awful and mean to my little boy.

Thursday we travelled down to Little Rock, the "big city" as Lockland refers to it, so that Lockland could have his tonsils and adenoids taken out. I hadn't worried too much about the surgery because I know it's a very routine surgery and honestly, I held it together very well until I saw him in recovery. My sweet little boy was flat out miserable. Once they finally got him comfortable we got to head back to a post-op room. He seemed to be doing great. He drank some juice and ate a popsicle. And then he realized something was different. Being that he is a sensory kid I knew the whole process would be a little rough but I hadn't thought about the fact that the scabs would drive him INSANE. Lockland was trying his hardest to throw up the scabs. We finally got him calmed down and now he is doing wonderfully for just having hard surgery.

I wanted to be able to be all momma proud of myself and feed him fairly nutritional things post surgery but y'all--

chocolate ice cream for the win.

But I can tell you one big absolute "no, no" that I truly wish the nurse would have forewarned us of {if you are a nurse kindly advise your parents of this knowledge} NEVER, EVER give a child anything red to eat after a surgery because when they throw it up after your hour and a half drive back home you will think they are throwing up blood and rush back to the local emergency room. Just a word for the wise. NO RED. Don't do it.

Even if it is a delicious red ICEE...

Also, yes once again it is blurry iPhone photos for the win.

my favorite.

Late nights. Early mornings. Little alone time. None of that matters. 

YOU, both of YOU, are my favorite job. 

{pictures courtesy of my trusty iPhone. I will break out my Nikon one of these days}

Lord, thank you for my beautiful children and the gift of motherhood. I feel truly blessed each and every day and sometimes cannot believe this is my life and that you have blessed me so immensely when I often fail at doing what You ask of me. Help me to be a positive influence to them and teach them to walk in your ways and be little lights in this world. In your name, amen. 

glass half empty.

I am a glass half full kind of person. I prefer to see the positives in things instead of the negatives. Life is short so why dwell on the negatives right? Last night was a glass half empty kind of night. Ever since we moved I have really struggled with Lila Mae. Struggled for a consistent bedtime, struggled to get her to stay asleep, just struggled with all things sleep related. I know she has had a LOT of change since we moved here and that is always hard on little ones, but I've began to grow weary. 

What am I doing wrong? Why will she not go to bed? I've done all her pediatrician recommended. Melatonin-check. Epsom salt bath-check. Consistent bedtime (except for when at church)-check. Bedtime routine-check. What's left to try momma? What can change to make her sleep better? 

All these questions run through my head nearly every night as I sit up awake with Lila Mae for 3, 4, and yes sometimes 5 hours. Last night was a struggle to get her to bed. She finally went down at 10 p.m.  and then she woke up at 1:50 and stayed awake until nearly 6:30. Yes, six thirty. When I finally got to go back to bed, I just cried. I have reached a point that I honestly feel I have failed her. I know it's crucial she get good sleep so she can develop and thrive properly. This little momma heart shatters into a million pieces because she's not getting that sleep. And then I don't get sleep so my attitude, my temper, are on a shorter lease. I've prayed, prayed, prayed. Lord please help me figure out how to comfort her, how to teach her to be comforted. Lord, I don't know what to do. 

I don't write this all to make you feel sorry for me. Really, I don't. I have become accustomed to not sleeping well. Rather I write this is say momma you are not alone. Every momma has her struggles, her worries, and anxieties over her babies. After all, 

motherhood did not come with a manual. 

Oh but how I wish it did. I truly believe times like last night, and the other nights where this frequently happens, are a small reminder for me that I don't have control, that I need to cast my burdens, my sorrows on Him. He will provide, He will take care of me and my Lila Mae. I need to learn to listen to that still small voice and trust that He's going to take care of me in my situation. I need to listen to His instructions on how to help my little girl. I need to pray for guidance because I truly do not know what to do!

I think all too often as momma's we just get overwhelmed and we feel helpless. How blessed are we that our Helper is the ultimate Helper? Let's not forget that this weekend and as we go about our weeks. In those moments we feel broken, helpless, tired, and worn let's just say His name--Jesus. There is power in the name of Jesus. And let's pray. Pray for our own situations and pray for other momma's too. We all have our own trials. 

"casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

1 Peter 5:7

When I pour my heart out, it goes something like this...

We all have this vision of what parenthood would be, should be and then parenthood happens. You might be a lucky one, I sure was with Lockland, or you may be like me. Sixteen months and two days in of not sleeping through the night. Sixteen months and two days in of having very little time to yourself. Sixteen months and two days in of having someone virtually awake from 7 am until 10 pm on a nightly basis.

Today is one of those days it really has caught up on me. I feel worn, tired, exhausted, and quite frankly not human. 

I struggle to write words to try and explain everything. I struggle because I partially feel like it's my own fault she doesn't sleep through the night. What could I, should I have done differently? Should I have done the "Cry it out" method that breaks my heart into a million pieces? Should I wean her so she doesn't want me/need me in the middle of the night? Should I have put her on a strict schedule during the day? 

But then a peace comes over me.

My daughter is happy. She loves to laugh. She is thriving. She loves me. She loves to snuggle me when I nurse her. She loves to hold me when she's sad and when she's happy too. She is WORTH it. She is worth all of it.

There is no guarantee that anything I could try or do would change the fact that she doesn't sleep as well as her brother. So tonight (as Lila Mae is actually asleep before her usual bedtime because daddy put her to bed) I will have the peace, comfort, and joy in knowing that my daughter is happy. My daughter won't always be little. She won't always want me in the middle of the night. She wont always want to snuggle. And ten years from now I bet I will look back and cherish this time I had with her. After all, they are only little for a short time.

               

Lord, 

Thank you for the gift of motherhood. Not every woman is so lucky to have not one, but two beautiful children. I know I all to often complain of being sleepless but Father, I just THANK YOU for the gift that makes me sleepless. Thank you Father for the little girl who hates sleep because the little girl who hates sleep is a gift that can come only from You. I pray I stop and think of her a gift when I'm stressed, tired, and exhausted.  I also pray Father that I do not let my exhaustion affect my actions and my speech Father. Let me speak with grace and love even when I feel like a ticking time bomb.  I ask forgiveness for the times today that I spoke hatefully and let my exhaustion speak louder than my love Father. Help me to learn the power of my tongue and when I should bite it. Help me to season my words with grace Father. Thank you once more for the gift of motherhood, for my sleepless nights.

In Your name, Amen

Sorry for the poor quality images. Straight up iPhone photos. One day my computer will have room to upload pictures. One day when my external hard drive becomes my friend and not my enemy.

this little light of mine.

"This little light of mine, 

I'm gonna let it shine. 

This little light of mine, 

I'm gonna let it shine. 

This little light of mine, 

I'm gonna let shine, 

let it shine. let it shine, let it shine.

I adore this song. Every since I became a mother this song has become something that inspires me.

Hide it under a bushel- NO, 

I'm gonna let it shine.

Hide it under a bushel- NO, 

I'm gonna let it shine. 

Hide it under a bushel-NO, 

I'm gonna let it shine, 

let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

You see, this world is dark. This world desperately needs Jesus. I often question why I wanted to have children in such a dark world. I am often completely saddened by the things I see and hear about. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about the youth of this world and the things they have to endure, to tolerate. I'm young, twenty-three, but the things they go through now are much different than the things I went through just a few short years ago. 

Won't let Satan blow it out, 

I'm gonna let it shine. 

Won't let Satan blow it out, 

I'm gonna let it shine. 

Won't let Satan blow it out, 

I'm gonna let it shine, 

let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

&& then I remember this song. If I don't have children, who will be a light in the darkness for the future generations? If I don't have children to raise to be God-fearing, God-loving, Christ-like individuals how much more will the darkness close in? Granted I don't think raising that kind of child will be an easy task--the devil is everywhere. But it's Keith and I's job and one that I absolutely love. So every night when I tuck my precious little babies in to their warm, safe beds I sing...

This little light of mine, 

I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine, 

I'm gonna let it shine. 

This little light of mine, 

I'm gonna let it shine, 

let it shine. let it shine. let it shine.