glass half empty.

I am a glass half full kind of person. I prefer to see the positives in things instead of the negatives. Life is short so why dwell on the negatives right? Last night was a glass half empty kind of night. Ever since we moved I have really struggled with Lila Mae. Struggled for a consistent bedtime, struggled to get her to stay asleep, just struggled with all things sleep related. I know she has had a LOT of change since we moved here and that is always hard on little ones, but I've began to grow weary. 

What am I doing wrong? Why will she not go to bed? I've done all her pediatrician recommended. Melatonin-check. Epsom salt bath-check. Consistent bedtime (except for when at church)-check. Bedtime routine-check. What's left to try momma? What can change to make her sleep better? 

All these questions run through my head nearly every night as I sit up awake with Lila Mae for 3, 4, and yes sometimes 5 hours. Last night was a struggle to get her to bed. She finally went down at 10 p.m.  and then she woke up at 1:50 and stayed awake until nearly 6:30. Yes, six thirty. When I finally got to go back to bed, I just cried. I have reached a point that I honestly feel I have failed her. I know it's crucial she get good sleep so she can develop and thrive properly. This little momma heart shatters into a million pieces because she's not getting that sleep. And then I don't get sleep so my attitude, my temper, are on a shorter lease. I've prayed, prayed, prayed. Lord please help me figure out how to comfort her, how to teach her to be comforted. Lord, I don't know what to do. 

I don't write this all to make you feel sorry for me. Really, I don't. I have become accustomed to not sleeping well. Rather I write this is say momma you are not alone. Every momma has her struggles, her worries, and anxieties over her babies. After all, 

motherhood did not come with a manual. 

Oh but how I wish it did. I truly believe times like last night, and the other nights where this frequently happens, are a small reminder for me that I don't have control, that I need to cast my burdens, my sorrows on Him. He will provide, He will take care of me and my Lila Mae. I need to learn to listen to that still small voice and trust that He's going to take care of me in my situation. I need to listen to His instructions on how to help my little girl. I need to pray for guidance because I truly do not know what to do!

I think all too often as momma's we just get overwhelmed and we feel helpless. How blessed are we that our Helper is the ultimate Helper? Let's not forget that this weekend and as we go about our weeks. In those moments we feel broken, helpless, tired, and worn let's just say His name--Jesus. There is power in the name of Jesus. And let's pray. Pray for our own situations and pray for other momma's too. We all have our own trials. 

"casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

1 Peter 5:7

When I pour my heart out, it goes something like this...

We all have this vision of what parenthood would be, should be and then parenthood happens. You might be a lucky one, I sure was with Lockland, or you may be like me. Sixteen months and two days in of not sleeping through the night. Sixteen months and two days in of having very little time to yourself. Sixteen months and two days in of having someone virtually awake from 7 am until 10 pm on a nightly basis.

Today is one of those days it really has caught up on me. I feel worn, tired, exhausted, and quite frankly not human. 

I struggle to write words to try and explain everything. I struggle because I partially feel like it's my own fault she doesn't sleep through the night. What could I, should I have done differently? Should I have done the "Cry it out" method that breaks my heart into a million pieces? Should I wean her so she doesn't want me/need me in the middle of the night? Should I have put her on a strict schedule during the day? 

But then a peace comes over me.

My daughter is happy. She loves to laugh. She is thriving. She loves me. She loves to snuggle me when I nurse her. She loves to hold me when she's sad and when she's happy too. She is WORTH it. She is worth all of it.

There is no guarantee that anything I could try or do would change the fact that she doesn't sleep as well as her brother. So tonight (as Lila Mae is actually asleep before her usual bedtime because daddy put her to bed) I will have the peace, comfort, and joy in knowing that my daughter is happy. My daughter won't always be little. She won't always want me in the middle of the night. She wont always want to snuggle. And ten years from now I bet I will look back and cherish this time I had with her. After all, they are only little for a short time.

               

Lord, 

Thank you for the gift of motherhood. Not every woman is so lucky to have not one, but two beautiful children. I know I all to often complain of being sleepless but Father, I just THANK YOU for the gift that makes me sleepless. Thank you Father for the little girl who hates sleep because the little girl who hates sleep is a gift that can come only from You. I pray I stop and think of her a gift when I'm stressed, tired, and exhausted.  I also pray Father that I do not let my exhaustion affect my actions and my speech Father. Let me speak with grace and love even when I feel like a ticking time bomb.  I ask forgiveness for the times today that I spoke hatefully and let my exhaustion speak louder than my love Father. Help me to learn the power of my tongue and when I should bite it. Help me to season my words with grace Father. Thank you once more for the gift of motherhood, for my sleepless nights.

In Your name, Amen

Sorry for the poor quality images. Straight up iPhone photos. One day my computer will have room to upload pictures. One day when my external hard drive becomes my friend and not my enemy.

this little light of mine.

"This little light of mine, 

I'm gonna let it shine. 

This little light of mine, 

I'm gonna let it shine. 

This little light of mine, 

I'm gonna let shine, 

let it shine. let it shine, let it shine.

I adore this song. Every since I became a mother this song has become something that inspires me.

Hide it under a bushel- NO, 

I'm gonna let it shine.

Hide it under a bushel- NO, 

I'm gonna let it shine. 

Hide it under a bushel-NO, 

I'm gonna let it shine, 

let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

You see, this world is dark. This world desperately needs Jesus. I often question why I wanted to have children in such a dark world. I am often completely saddened by the things I see and hear about. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about the youth of this world and the things they have to endure, to tolerate. I'm young, twenty-three, but the things they go through now are much different than the things I went through just a few short years ago. 

Won't let Satan blow it out, 

I'm gonna let it shine. 

Won't let Satan blow it out, 

I'm gonna let it shine. 

Won't let Satan blow it out, 

I'm gonna let it shine, 

let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

&& then I remember this song. If I don't have children, who will be a light in the darkness for the future generations? If I don't have children to raise to be God-fearing, God-loving, Christ-like individuals how much more will the darkness close in? Granted I don't think raising that kind of child will be an easy task--the devil is everywhere. But it's Keith and I's job and one that I absolutely love. So every night when I tuck my precious little babies in to their warm, safe beds I sing...

This little light of mine, 

I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine, 

I'm gonna let it shine. 

This little light of mine, 

I'm gonna let it shine, 

let it shine. let it shine. let it shine.

February 17th

February 17th, 2013 is a date that will forever be embedded into my being. February 17th is the day that Lockland started stimming. He has done it everyday since. For the past almost 10 months we have been on quite the journey. Doctors appointments, therapy evaluations, therapy sessions, but mostly waiting.

lots and lots and lots of waiting.

January 27th, 2014 is now the date I cannot wait to arrive. On this day Lockland will have his diagnostic interview. In other words, he will be tested for autism. There I said it. My sweet Lockland will be tested for autism. God has already given me complete peace about whatever is to come. I anticipate this day more than anything because if we get answers, we may be able to do more for our sweet boy. 

So far Lockland does four hours of therapy a week. 2 hours of speech therapy and 2 hours of occupational therapy. I have seen a world of difference in his speech the past few months.  Here are some of my favorite things he has said lately....

"Don't eat that!" --to Lila Mae who had decided that a Christmas ornament looked yummy

"More apple juice please!" While to some parents this may be silly this is Lockland's first four word sentence. Words cannot describe how much joy it brings to my heart.

"Mommy" Again, simple right? For the longest time Lockland only said "Ma-e" which is still totally adorable. But there is something about mommy, yeah. BEAUTIFUL.

I could go on and on about the beautiful things he says BUT I'll be kind and end it there. I'm so excited to be able to share his journey with you. And share my emotions to everything to come, or not come. But one thing is sure God is on our side. And let me tell you, there is nothing sweeter than that.

♥