disconnect.

Long time, no blog. I wish I could say I haven't been blogging because I've been too busy but the truth is, while I have been busy, the real reason I haven't been blogging is because I spend FAR too much time on social media. I have been reading a book, Make it Happen, and my eyes have been opened. I have always known that I spend too much time on social media and have fasted it before. But this time I want it to be different. I want to be intentional with my social media. I want to use it as a tool to further His kingdom and well as my new business (more about this coming soon! eek) and simply just keep family and friends updated on my sweet little family. I need to learn to stop comparing my life to everyone else and learn contentment. All of this to say I am taking a sixteen day social media fast. This will be my longest social media fast to date. I will even delete the apps from my phone. I want to embrace motherhood, marriage, and my relationship with Christ more deeply and I know a step toward doing this for me personally would be to avoid social media. When I come back, you will finally get to learn about the business I have been working on for nearly six months now, find out what all i accomplished through fasting social media, and what I learned from my fast too.

Is there something from your life you need to disconnect from? What is it?

my favorite.

Late nights. Early mornings. Little alone time. None of that matters. 

YOU, both of YOU, are my favorite job. 

{pictures courtesy of my trusty iPhone. I will break out my Nikon one of these days}

Lord, thank you for my beautiful children and the gift of motherhood. I feel truly blessed each and every day and sometimes cannot believe this is my life and that you have blessed me so immensely when I often fail at doing what You ask of me. Help me to be a positive influence to them and teach them to walk in your ways and be little lights in this world. In your name, amen. 

february goals

Writing out goals is always a happy thing for me. I love making goals for myself. 

{one} SURVIVE. Yep, you read that write--survive. Keith recently went back to school and this month is crazy busy. Yes, my husband has a full time job, is a youth pastor, and a full time student. Have I ever said my life is chaos?! I'm slowly learning to adjust to having more responsibilities for the time being while my husband follows God's plan for him. 

{two} send valentine's cards to some of our loved ones. Because why not? I didn't get around to Christmas cards this past year so why not send out Valentine's cards?!

{three} continue to work on my calling. God has recently laid out a plan for what He wants me to do so I'm going to work hard on it this month. More details to come about this. EEK. I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT IT THOUGH. 

What are some of your goals for this month?

glass half empty.

I am a glass half full kind of person. I prefer to see the positives in things instead of the negatives. Life is short so why dwell on the negatives right? Last night was a glass half empty kind of night. Ever since we moved I have really struggled with Lila Mae. Struggled for a consistent bedtime, struggled to get her to stay asleep, just struggled with all things sleep related. I know she has had a LOT of change since we moved here and that is always hard on little ones, but I've began to grow weary. 

What am I doing wrong? Why will she not go to bed? I've done all her pediatrician recommended. Melatonin-check. Epsom salt bath-check. Consistent bedtime (except for when at church)-check. Bedtime routine-check. What's left to try momma? What can change to make her sleep better? 

All these questions run through my head nearly every night as I sit up awake with Lila Mae for 3, 4, and yes sometimes 5 hours. Last night was a struggle to get her to bed. She finally went down at 10 p.m.  and then she woke up at 1:50 and stayed awake until nearly 6:30. Yes, six thirty. When I finally got to go back to bed, I just cried. I have reached a point that I honestly feel I have failed her. I know it's crucial she get good sleep so she can develop and thrive properly. This little momma heart shatters into a million pieces because she's not getting that sleep. And then I don't get sleep so my attitude, my temper, are on a shorter lease. I've prayed, prayed, prayed. Lord please help me figure out how to comfort her, how to teach her to be comforted. Lord, I don't know what to do. 

I don't write this all to make you feel sorry for me. Really, I don't. I have become accustomed to not sleeping well. Rather I write this is say momma you are not alone. Every momma has her struggles, her worries, and anxieties over her babies. After all, 

motherhood did not come with a manual. 

Oh but how I wish it did. I truly believe times like last night, and the other nights where this frequently happens, are a small reminder for me that I don't have control, that I need to cast my burdens, my sorrows on Him. He will provide, He will take care of me and my Lila Mae. I need to learn to listen to that still small voice and trust that He's going to take care of me in my situation. I need to listen to His instructions on how to help my little girl. I need to pray for guidance because I truly do not know what to do!

I think all too often as momma's we just get overwhelmed and we feel helpless. How blessed are we that our Helper is the ultimate Helper? Let's not forget that this weekend and as we go about our weeks. In those moments we feel broken, helpless, tired, and worn let's just say His name--Jesus. There is power in the name of Jesus. And let's pray. Pray for our own situations and pray for other momma's too. We all have our own trials. 

"casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

1 Peter 5:7

reintroduction.

Hi. My name is Tiffani and I care way too much what other people think about me.

That is just the plain and simple truth. I think it's partially due to the fact that I know some of the things I have done in my lifetime are easy to judge, are easy to call me out on. But I have to remember that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," (Romans 3:23, emphasis added). Everyone has areas people can judge them in. I am no exception to that. Some of my sins, the things I have been judged on, may be more evident than sins of others but we are all sinners. I am a sinner.  I've got to learn to not be discouraged by the judgement and instead just loving and accepting of others as Christ would have me to be. And willing to share the things I feel lead to share knowing that I may in turn help someone else and encourage them. 

Hi. I am a mother who strives to love her children daily but may fail at keeping the house clean and dinner on the table. 

I strive to be the perfect wife and mother. Clean house, happy kids, healthy, organic meals on the table--you know, the whole nine yards. But let's be honest, there are mornings like today were I have on my husband's t-shirt and some leggings and have uncombed wet hair because my precious baby girl is sick. Instead of being inside the house cleaning every inch and disinfecting it, I am sitting in my driveway, in my car, typing this post while my Lila Mae sleeps of the dreaded, horrible stomach bug going around. My bed needs made. There are dishes to be done. And yes, there are now mountains of laundry to be done due to said dreaded stomach bug. That's real life.

I could go on. But mainly this post is sort of like a re-introduction to my imperfect world. I want this blog to be a place were you can come to laugh at my momma failures or read about my faith and love for Christ and maybe be uplifted and inspired. Or just read about my love for my husband, my love of motherhood, and my love of being a pastor's wife. My life is not perfect. Some days I want to pull my hair out. Some days I just want to sit and cry. Some days are beautiful, glorious, and happy. But everyday I am me--a Christian, wife, and momma--and that's just were I want to be. 

{this is me. sitting in my car, in my driveway while Lila Mae sleeps away the yucky.}

♥

december goals.

Better late than never yes?

one// blog more. pretty simply put I would say. I always say I'm going to blog more and this month, I'm really going to try to even though I know this is one crazy busy month.

two// remember the reason for the season. Once again, simply put. I have been going over the story of  Jesus and his birth with the kiddos and I truly love it.

three// give. This season is about giving as well and I don't want to forget to give.

What are some of your goals for this holiday month??

{also because you are all dying to know--this is what I look like right now, glasses glare and all}

november goals.

I finally have a fully working computer again, so hello blogging world. I love that my sister-in-law over at walking in between always lists out her goals for the month so much that I decided this month, and probably every month, I will do the same. 

one //  read my Bible every day. This shouldn't have to be in my goals. I should crave to do this every day. And honestly, i do. I crave to read my Bible every day but yet so many days go by and I'm "too busy" or "too tired". NOT AN EXCUSE, SELF, NOT AN EXCUSE.

two // take more pictures. I LOVE that on my new computer I can just put in my handy SD card. This makes life so much more convenient. 

three // budget. How many months can I say this and not do it? Budgeting is so important. Just do it Tiffani, just do it.

I could get crazy and list more. I really could. But then I look at my calendar and remember that this month is ABSOLUTELY crazy looking. 

What is one of your goals this November? 

When I pour my heart out, it goes something like this...

We all have this vision of what parenthood would be, should be and then parenthood happens. You might be a lucky one, I sure was with Lockland, or you may be like me. Sixteen months and two days in of not sleeping through the night. Sixteen months and two days in of having very little time to yourself. Sixteen months and two days in of having someone virtually awake from 7 am until 10 pm on a nightly basis.

Today is one of those days it really has caught up on me. I feel worn, tired, exhausted, and quite frankly not human. 

I struggle to write words to try and explain everything. I struggle because I partially feel like it's my own fault she doesn't sleep through the night. What could I, should I have done differently? Should I have done the "Cry it out" method that breaks my heart into a million pieces? Should I wean her so she doesn't want me/need me in the middle of the night? Should I have put her on a strict schedule during the day? 

But then a peace comes over me.

My daughter is happy. She loves to laugh. She is thriving. She loves me. She loves to snuggle me when I nurse her. She loves to hold me when she's sad and when she's happy too. She is WORTH it. She is worth all of it.

There is no guarantee that anything I could try or do would change the fact that she doesn't sleep as well as her brother. So tonight (as Lila Mae is actually asleep before her usual bedtime because daddy put her to bed) I will have the peace, comfort, and joy in knowing that my daughter is happy. My daughter won't always be little. She won't always want me in the middle of the night. She wont always want to snuggle. And ten years from now I bet I will look back and cherish this time I had with her. After all, they are only little for a short time.

               

Lord, 

Thank you for the gift of motherhood. Not every woman is so lucky to have not one, but two beautiful children. I know I all to often complain of being sleepless but Father, I just THANK YOU for the gift that makes me sleepless. Thank you Father for the little girl who hates sleep because the little girl who hates sleep is a gift that can come only from You. I pray I stop and think of her a gift when I'm stressed, tired, and exhausted.  I also pray Father that I do not let my exhaustion affect my actions and my speech Father. Let me speak with grace and love even when I feel like a ticking time bomb.  I ask forgiveness for the times today that I spoke hatefully and let my exhaustion speak louder than my love Father. Help me to learn the power of my tongue and when I should bite it. Help me to season my words with grace Father. Thank you once more for the gift of motherhood, for my sleepless nights.

In Your name, Amen

Sorry for the poor quality images. Straight up iPhone photos. One day my computer will have room to upload pictures. One day when my external hard drive becomes my friend and not my enemy.

Hello. My name is...

Hello. My name is Lockland. I'm the most handsome three year old in the entire world, and I have sensory processing disorder. I also have stereotypic movement disorder & mixed developmental disorder. BUT I am NOT autistic.
                 
 

{Lockland and I at the Schmeiding Center during one of our breaks.} 

"The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy!" Psalm 126:3

Keith and I are feeling so blessed by Lockland's diagnoses. While we would have loved and embraced Lockland if he was autistic, no parent wants that for their child. That being said we still have a long journey ahead of us and many mountains to climb. But now we have a place to start! His wonderful doctor feels his hand stimming is probably triggered by his sensory issues. Her hopes, and ours as well, are that once we get his sensory issues under control that his stimming will decrease. She gave us many articles to read as well as book recommendations! 

Just like you, we have many questions! I wish I could thoroughly explain to you what each diagnoses means for our sweet Lockland--but I can't. I am going to happily share the in's and out's and up's  down's of our journey right here on the blog though! 

Please continue to pray for our sweet, loving little boy!!